I have been reflecting on my past lately, admiring how
far I have come. I was set to be something amazing from birth. Ask my parents!
Lol They gave my sister and I the tools and encouragement to be whatever we wanted
to be. Mom always told me I could do anything a man could do, except
pee standing up, and I COULD if I felt so inclined…. I would just have wet
shoes. Ha! That was mom! She tried to instill self-confidence and self-love.
She was my biggest fan, no matter what I was doing. Whether it was dancing,
singing, writing poetry, or playing guitar, she was there cheering me on. My father was always trying to teach me to
live up to my potential, be great! He was and still is a huge support also. It has been said he would tear up when my
sister and I danced. I had great parents.
Elementary was great,
middle school was uneventful. Nothing traumatic. I tried out for drill team at
the end of my 9th grade year.
I wasn’t exactly nervous, I had danced my entire life. Competitively. Low and behold, I didn’t make
it. I was told I was an “alternate”. My mother was informed if I were to lose
weight, I could be on the team. Yes. At
15, I was told I was too fat to be on the drill team, despite my talent, or the
fact that at the time I was dancing close to 12 hours a week. I knew I was
bigger than most of the girls on the team. My mother sat me down and she gently
gave it to me straight. How bad did I
want to be on the team? More than anything! So off to Quick Weight Loss we
went.
I remember going to weigh
in, friends in tow, in my drill team leotards.
My confidence had not been shaken.
I was proud and that was that. I
got down to a size 8. 156 pounds. That is the lightest and smallest I have been.
Before homecoming I met a boy who wanted to take me to the dance. He was
charming, a great dancer, and had a truck! Every 15 year olds dream! Not to
mention, my parents trusted him! We went to homecoming and had a great
time. I was smitten, but only he wanted
to be friends. We did stay friends, and
I stayed smitten. There came a time in
our relationship when on occasion we would be alone, and took advantage as
teens. Serious make out sessions. I was all for it. Remember I was smitten.
Well
I was off the Quick Weight Loss program, and what happens when you get off the
program! All the weight comes back. All
the sudden I was only good for the make out sessions. That’s it. He wouldn’t even dance with me
anymore. All this was ok, because
somewhere along the lines I met another boy.
He thought I was gorgeous just the way I was. This boy, was loving. Truly loving and I adored him.
He was a bad boy though. The exact opposite of the first boy. He also had a bigger truck! My parents did not approve of him. He smoked, did what he wanted… as a parent
now, I get it. This boy never hurt me, always protected me, and my feelings, he
truly cared. He did till the end. That
was over, and that’s a whole other blog.
Ha! Anyway, the first boy and I went to
several dances, and were very friendly all through high school. Constantly
revisiting our make out spots. I got to the point where I became ok with this,
because at least I was getting some attention from the boy I longed for. My self-confidence
being taken down a notch or two. After
high school I began perusing him more, convinced that if he just saw how
awesome I was he would love me. Self-confidence, down another notch. Now up
until this moment, I take responsibility for my assault on my own confidence. However, what should have stopped me didn’t.
He actually said, if you were thinner, I would date you. I should have turned the other way. I should
have run. I didn’t. Metabolife was hot
on the market. So I became a pill popper.
I got pretty thin. Luckily he
held up to his end of the bargaining we became a couple. The 3 months we were
together were filled with, did you take your pills, are you really going to eat
all that, and constant accusations of being crazy. I was taking metabolife remember. Yes, I was
in fact crazy, and because of that we broke up.
Metabolite, any diet pill really effects your brain, as does not eating.
My self-esteem at this point was in the proverbial can. However, I met a new guy who at first was
great! Until he cheated on me a week before my mother’s passing.
After losing my mother at 19, the following 2-3 years
were some of the worst. For a very short while I dated boy #1 again, but
he didn’t really like how independent I had become. He was “old fashioned”,
meaning a woman couldn’t do anything without her man’s approval. I was in my own apt, going dancing and trying
to live. I had grown quite attached to him, but refer to moms comment about me
being able to anything a man could do, and we ended. I was devastated.
Self-esteem LOWER. After him was a
string of guys only after one thing…
I then became
involved with an abusive male. (I refuse to call him a man) He wasn’t at first. He was a fun party guy at first. I had allowed myself to develop a drug problem, and that left me dependent on him. This guy was a piece of work. Constant verbal, psychological, and physical abuse. His war on my self-confidence
was of epic proportions. Names like “bitch” became terms of endearment. Friends and family became upset, protective
and that only caused me to draw away from them. That is exactly what he
wanted. It is easy to say “why don’t you
just leave”, until you are being victimized yourself. You have no idea how hard that action really
is. The “im sorry’s” from him were good.
Not to mention he kept me happy with whatever drug I wanted. It also, goes without saying, my father and
sister despised him. My sister was very actively vocal about her hatred. Unfortunately,
at the time I wouldn’t listen.
In
that 3rd year... At 21, I became pregnant with my son. He is truly my saving
grace, my hero, my lifesaver. I wish I could say everything changed after
having him. I wish I could say I left
him. I had kicked my drug problem, the second I found out I was pregnant.
However, now I was dependent on the guy because I was so beat down, I thought I deserved what I got. Toward the end of 4 year I had enough. He wasn’t helping me
with my son. I had gotten better a diffusing problems before they turned in to
all out wars. I actually began fighting back.
Not with my fists but with my mind. I started to build myself back up,
and I broke it off. It was a series of break ups and one more chances, until I was done. For real.
Just when I was ready to be
my little guy and me, God sent my husband. I believe God asked my mother to hand pick him for me. Sent to me at the exact right time in
the exact right way. That’s what they
say about Gods timing right? It’s perfect. My husband has always made it clear
that he would love me no matter what I looked like, fat or skinny, long hair or
short hair, blonde, red, brown with a 3rd eye, he would always love
me. That helps more than he can ever
imagine.
I look back on
those dark years, knowing they had to be. It all had to be. Knowing I couldn't be who I am without them. So, with all that being said.... I choose to lift
others up! No one is a lost cause. My
family and friends didn’t give up on me… even when they very well could have. Rebuilding
my self-esteem is a daily constant battle I am still fighting, but I am
winning!
“Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they
love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out but
count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna be
Fifteen” – Taylor Swift
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out but
count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna be
Fifteen” – Taylor Swift
