Self-esteem Issue

I have been reflecting on my past lately, admiring how far I have come. I was set to be something amazing from birth. Ask my parents! Lol They gave my sister and I the tools and encouragement to be whatever we wanted to be. Mom always told me I could do anything a man could do, except pee standing up, and I COULD if I felt so inclined…. I would just have wet shoes. Ha! That was mom! She tried to instill self-confidence and self-love. She was my biggest fan, no matter what I was doing. Whether it was dancing, singing, writing poetry, or playing guitar, she was there cheering me on.  My father was always trying to teach me to live up to my potential, be great! He was and still is a huge support also.  It has been said he would tear up when my sister and I danced. I had great parents. 

Elementary was great, middle school was uneventful. Nothing traumatic. I tried out for drill team at the end of my 9^th grade year.  I wasn’t exactly nervous, I had danced my entire life.  Competitively. Low and behold, I didn’t make it.  I was told I was an “alternate”.  My mother was informed if I were to lose weight, I could be on the team.  Yes. At 15, I was told I was too fat to be on the drill team, despite my talent, or the fact that at the time I was dancing close to 12 hours a week. I knew I was bigger than most of the girls on the team. My mother sat me down and she gently gave it to me straight.  How bad did I want to be on the team? More than anything! So off to Quick Weight Loss we went.

I remember going to weigh in, friends in tow, in my drill team leotards.  My confidence had not been shaken.  I was proud and that was that.  I got down to a size 8. 156 pounds. That is the lightest and smallest I have been. Before homecoming I met a boy who wanted to take me to the dance. He was charming, a great dancer, and had a truck! Every 15 year olds dream! Not to mention, my parents trusted him! We went to homecoming and had a great time.  I was smitten, but only he wanted to be friends.  We did stay friends, and I stayed smitten.  There came a time in our relationship when on occasion we would be alone, and took advantage as teens.  Serious make out sessions.  I was all for it.  Remember I was smitten. 

      Well I was off the Quick Weight Loss program, and what happens when you get off the program! All the weight comes back.  All the sudden I was only good for the make out sessions.  That’s it. He wouldn’t even dance with me anymore.  All this was ok, because somewhere along the lines I met another boy.  He thought I was gorgeous just the way I was.  This boy, was loving. Truly loving and  I adored him.  He was a bad boy though. The exact opposite of the first boy.  He also had a bigger truck!  My parents did not approve of him.  He smoked, did what he wanted… as a parent now, I get it. This boy never hurt me, always protected me, and my feelings, he truly cared. He did till the end.  That was over, and that’s a whole other blog.

 

 Ha! Anyway, the first boy and I went to several dances, and were very friendly all through high school. Constantly revisiting our make out spots. I got to the point where I became ok with this, because at least I was getting some attention from the boy I longed for. My self-confidence being taken down a notch or two.  After high school I began perusing him more, convinced that if he just saw how awesome I was he would love me. Self-confidence, down another notch. Now up until this moment, I take responsibility for my assault on my own confidence.  However, what should have stopped me didn’t. He actually said, if you were thinner, I would date you.  I should have turned the other way. I should have run.  I didn’t. Metabolife was hot on the market. So I became a pill popper.  I got pretty thin.  Luckily he held up to his end of the bargaining we became a couple. The 3 months we were together were filled with, did you take your pills, are you really going to eat all that, and constant accusations of being crazy.  I was taking metabolife remember. Yes, I was in fact crazy, and because of that we broke up.  Metabolite, any diet pill really effects your brain, as does not eating. My self-esteem at this point was in the proverbial can.  However, I met a new guy who at first was great! Until he cheated on me a week before my mother’s passing.

After losing my mother at 19, the following 2-3 years were some of the worst.  For a very short while I dated boy #1 again, but he didn’t really like how independent I had become. He was “old fashioned”, meaning a woman couldn’t do anything without her man’s approval.  I was in my own apt, going dancing and trying to live. I had grown quite attached to him, but refer to moms comment about me being able to anything a man could do, and we ended. I was devastated. Self-esteem LOWER.   After him was a string of guys only after one thing…

 I then became involved with an abusive male. (I refuse to call him a man)  He wasn’t at first. He was a fun party guy at first. I had allowed myself to develop a drug problem, and that left me dependent on him. This guy was a piece of work. Constant verbal, psychological, and physical abuse.  His war on my self-confidence was of epic proportions. Names like “bitch” became terms of endearment.  Friends and family became upset, protective and that only caused me to draw away from them. That is exactly what he wanted.  It is easy to say “why don’t you just leave”, until you are being victimized yourself.  You have no idea how hard that action really is. The “im sorry’s” from him were good.  Not to mention he kept me happy with whatever drug I wanted.  It also, goes without saying, my father and sister despised him. My sister was very actively vocal about her hatred. Unfortunately, at the time I wouldn’t listen.

 

In that 3rd year... At 21, I became pregnant with my son. He is truly my saving grace, my hero, my lifesaver. I wish I could say everything changed after having him.  I wish I could say I left him. I had kicked my drug problem, the second I found out I was pregnant. However, now I was dependent on the guy because I was so beat down, I thought I deserved what I got. Toward the end of 4 year I had enough.  He wasn’t helping me with my son. I had gotten better a diffusing problems before they turned in to all out wars. I actually began fighting back.  Not with my fists but with my mind. I started to build myself back up, and I broke it off. It was a series of break ups and one more chances, until I was done. For real.     

Just when I was ready to be my little guy and me, God sent my husband. I believe God asked my mother to hand pick him for me. Sent to me at the exact right time in the exact right way.  That’s what they say about Gods timing right? It’s perfect. My husband has always made it clear that he would love me no matter what I looked like, fat or skinny, long hair or short hair, blonde, red, brown with a 3^rd eye, he would always love me.  That helps more than he can ever imagine. 

 I look back on those dark years, knowing they had to be. It all had to be.  Knowing I couldn't be who I am without them. So, with all that being said.... I choose to lift others up! No one is a lost cause.  My family and friends didn’t give up on me… even when they very well could have. Rebuilding my self-esteem is a daily constant battle I am still fighting, but I am winning!

 

“Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out but
count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna be
Fifteen” – Taylor Swift